


Deepest and Darkest, Truly

by coldnerdytrash



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers Family, Bruce Banner Feels, Clint Barton Feels, Gen, Natasha Romanov Feels, Steve Rogers Feels, Thor (Marvel) Feels, Tony Stark Feels, avengers as a family, this is a deep mess but enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 10:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17343902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldnerdytrash/pseuds/coldnerdytrash
Summary: What do I have to fear?It was something all of the Avengers had said casually before doing some stupid, somehow death-defying act in the midst of battle.  They had each said it, every one of them, but none had vocalized their true fears to one another.





	Deepest and Darkest, Truly

_What do I have to fear?_ It was something all of the Avengers had said casually before doing some stupid, somehow death-defying act in the midst of battle. They had each said it, every one of them, but none had vocalized their true fears to one another.

"What do I have to fear?" Steve said offhandedly to Clint before he ran into the melee, shield long lost in the rubble and the only thing between his life and the enemy a simple spandex suit. In truth, Steve feared the repercussions of war, both the idea of never coming home from it and walking away.

If he never got out, he could never have what he had once dreamed of, a love and a family and _peace_. On the other hand, if he was able to walk out of the seemingly never-ending life of battle alive, he feared having no idea what to make of the newfound freedom that he hadn't felt in over seventy years, having no sense of direction without someone giving him orders in his daily life.

"What do I have to fear?" Tony thought as he flew higher and higher into the vast blueness of the sky, a nuclear missile on his back and the empty darkness of space laid out in front of him in the shape of a wormhole above his home.

At the time, it had been more rhetorical, more _'what do I have to lose?'_ than _fear_ , but now Tony wakes up from violent nightmares, drenched in sweat, only to find Pepper long gone from their bed and no space monsters ready to attack him in his sleep. He had thought he had little to lose when he decided to sacrifice himself for the greater good of New York, but as soon as he awoke to the Hulk roaring in his face, he realized he almost lost the love of his life and the little makeshift family he had been curating for years.

In reality, what he had to fear was losing those he had grown to love and who loved him, as well as the looming threat of space, both in its vastness and whatever malevolence was warning him it was coming.

"What do I have to fear?" Natasha joked as she knocked back a drink before battle, silently saying goodbye to the few she treasured in her life. She would never let anyone know, but Natasha had a lot to fear. She feared losing her family (at first only Clint, then Lucky and James and the rest of the Avengers), just like everyone else.

Unlike everyone else, though, Natasha had the nights to fear. That was why she slept so little. Every time she closed her eyes for a wink of sleep, scenes of violence and faces she had tried so hard to forget flitted through her mind. Each one reminded her just how little of her humanity remained, and of just how much wrong she had caused in the world.

"What do I have to fear?" Bruce asked his friends, only seconds before he lost himself in a green rage. He knew what he had to fear, and it was the huge periods of time he lost while blacked out as the Hulk. The others tried to tell him of the good that he did, especially Thor, but Bruce could never remember any of it.

Each time he returned to himself, half-clothed and memoryless, Bruce found that he had lost another part of himself. He feared that one day, after enough transformations into his alter ego that everyone seemed to love, he would completely lose himself.

"What do I have to fear?" Clint remarked, glancing at Natasha over his shoulder before firing another arrow into an enemy. She knew what he had to fear; Clint was positive that she was the only one who did.

Late at night or first thing in the morning, when he was struggling to sleep or chugging enough coffee to kill a normal person, Clint feared what he did. He knew he was a good guy, but it wasn't always like that. When he was younger, he and Barney had done plenty of unkind things to good people; now he feared he would return to those ways, even without his big brother to turn him astray.

Then there was the depression, but that had been there for as long as he could remember. Best not to fear what he couldn't get rid of, Clint thought.

"What do I have to fear?" Thor laughed heartily as he swung his hammer, lightning crackling down the handle as it slammed into the heads of his enemies.

Thor differed from his comrades in that he didn't fear the consequences of dealing with the enemy. So long as he wasn't the first person to attack or knew that the opposition had ill-meaning intentions, he knew he would be in the right. Instead, Thor feared his fate. Would he die like his mother, honorably in battle, trying to protect those who needed it? Or would he die like his father, old and weak but in the company of family?

He feared his capability to rule, if he would be well-suited to the task or if he would fail miserably, only to be laughed at by his brother. Thor wanted nothing more than to succeed and help his people, but he didn't know if he was worthy enough to do so without the guidance of his father or mother.

"What do I have to fear?" the Avengers asked themselves, way too often for a group of people who feared so many things. "What do I have to fear?" they said to each other, almost as a reassurance that they were confident, when really, they were petrified to the core of what they could become or what they had already done. "What do I have to fear?" they thought before they fell asleep, only to be greeted with images of their greatest fears.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! feel free to follow me on tumblr @ rebellionrogers :)


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